Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I apologise for the change of url. Basically, i found out someone who almost has the same url as http://-loversrequiem.blogspot.com. I don't mind actually, but i get fucking sick if i found out that im having the same things or whatever. It's like so hard to be one of a kind, to be different. &i wish whoever so, get off me. Like same handphones, god im fucking sick of this. Same clothes, same stlye, same signature words, whatever that is same, i'll get stressed up. Just let me be different for once okay?!
Well i'm just so sick of staying at my house. It's so chaotic. Everyone is at war with one another. Thi is so fucking childish. 25 year old shemale who started off the fight with a 14 year old girl and a 19 year old fucktard who made things worse with 22 year old man. &56 year old human who just did nothing to solve the problem.
Let me elaborate thing clearly okay? I am the youngest of the family, 14 years old. I live with a 25 year old shemale who suprisingly works as a policewoman and gone bonkers. I also have 2 brothers, 22 year old brother who i respect most in the family and is with good terms with. My other 19 year old brother is a fucktard loser who is super childish, and i'm in bad terms with him.
I'm in bad terms with my shemale sister(yuck, she is my sister) because she is very fierce, and so, i avoid engaging real conversations with her at home or not i'll get verbally abused. She calls me fucking bitch, chibai and shits, when all i did was just say something without raising my voice. Even because of a comb, she called me names, she threw all sorts of vulgarities at me. &because she is just a police officer, she thinks she has all the rights and whatever she does is right. Just because my mother passed away and she thinks she can control me, i think she can go to hell with that idea. I know my father is not performing his responsibility of a father well, but because my mother spoilt me that doesnt mean she can change me. I control what changes in my life. She said i am a spoilt brat because i get whatever i wanted. But does she know, since young, i saved up to hundreds to thousands of cash and i give them to my parents, unlike her, she doesnt and there she goes complaning. She is one selfish bitch that even if i asked for $2 she would give? And when my mother is still alive, my mother has to go series of bad conversations just to ask her for $10? She made my mother cry because she won't even lend my mother a single cent to go get medical stuffs when she is already in the last stage of cancer. I dont want her to look after me, and because of her, i'm turning to be a rebel.
My 19 year old brother who i am in bad terms with just suck. He is jealous of me because of the same reason as my sister. He teams up with my sister to go against me in any of the fights and even if he clueless of what it is all about. Fucktard.
So you guys wanna know how it all happened do you? Well here goes then.
It was Tasha's birthday, and we celebrated her birthday at Esplanade. Then when it was finished, i lepaked with my friends, Haziqah and Shahey especially. Not knowing what times it was, i found out it was getting late so we went home. Then it was like 11.30pm and i'm already afraid to go home because of the journey to home, so i decided to go to Haziqah's house. I told my father and my oldest brother(Hafiz, the one im in good terms with) because those are the people i think who would only care. Why should i tell my sister right? She doesnt gives a fuck even if i tell her anything.
The next day i went home, she was not at all happy because i didn't told her. Who the hell cares? She doesnt so why should i. Then all of the sudden she does? Like wtf? She threw Haziqah out and i was like, Haziqah doesn't know the fucking way you bitch. & she insisted that if i go out, i cannot come back. Isn't that throwing me out? And! she told my grandmother and aunt THAT I RUN AWAY.
&now they dont trust me but trust my sister -_____________-"
At that time, i was thinking of jumping off the building but i thought twice. I don't think my mother wants me to die at this age. & i know my father needs me. When i was at the gate before i left, he pled me to stay to look after him. I couldnt bare being verbally abused again at home. It's just all the same as being abused. I never once call her vulgarities straight to her face, but on that day, i did and it felt so good.
And when i was told to go to my cousin's place, of course i was being lectured. they sided my sister instead of me. what wrong did i do? for staying over at a friend's place? hello? it was for a good cause, if not i would have already been raped or murdered or bashed up at my house area.
Jesus, adults fucking sucks. I wonder why, telling the truth makes them think you're lying. So what's the point of telling the truth, might as well lie. And accusing you like you are some one fucking jack ass. I'm an agel ok. I know i've been around with people who smoke, drink, had tatoos, piercings, but i don't.
I mean they think people who smoke, drink, had tatoos, piercings and dyed hair are bad company. But im neither of them, so why can't they trust me? They thought ive been mixing around with school dropouts but i tried all my best to get into a good class. So why can't they just have faith in me? They just don't appreciate me. &i just dont deserve being treated like that.
&while i was away, Hafiz fought with my other fucktard brother. He was impatient and he broke open the door handle to get into Hafiz's room. My brother Hafiz, was so furious.
So you know how much it sucks without a mother who would ease the was between the siblings. A father who has seriously no direction of parenting? Well, it's life. I'm taking my mother's word. She told me to be patient. It's okay if people step on your head, just dont step on others.
So what, a day of chaos, i got to meet my bf. He cheered me up. He made me laugh through something i thought i would never smile again.
And Alif, my ausie friend, he said he would not want to see me not smiling if he comes back to Singapore. & i promised him that.
I wish to have a perfect family. &now i dont. I dont want anymore. I just want to live with Abang Hafiz, Ayah and Kak Shifa. To hell with those assholes.
My grandmother and auntie knows my purpose of always with my friends, and they blame me. Instead of blaming the one who cause this -________-"
I feel terribly crushed up. Eversince my mother passed away all kinds of things happen.
I've made a plan. To save up $100 every month now that im getting $300.
Just please, anybody, show me you appreciate me having here.
On top of that, i haven't been doing much of the usuals at home. I've been studying lately. Hahaha. Ok no, more to browsing through the textbooks. I've been thinking of blank thoughts. I've been acting as if i have a pet.
Can i have a pet? So that i can stay at home. Haha, im bad at looking after my previous kitten. That one also my sister threw it out. I want 3 rabbits. Can can can? Haish, imma gonna save up and get them myself.
6 more days to our anniversary. What should i get for b?!?!??!
I LOVE MY LIFE (: I REALLY DO, no matter how much it sucks.
-----------------------------------
I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
It said my password wasn't long enough.
-----------------------------------
I want my mother back. I want to tell her how much i love her and miss her and stuff. & tell her that her absence made me loss 3/4 of me. I just want her back. Can i dream of her again? Can i dream of that same dream when i asked her if she loved me, and she answered me yes with her smile? Can i? Please? ): Can i turn back time? Let me kiss her again? Let me hug her? Let me sit beside her and touch her hand, feel the smooth hands that raised me up? Can i lie my head on her shoulders when watching tv? Can i feel her protecting me with arms wrapped around me? Can i get her advices when i am in trouble? Can i ? can i? Even if it's a dream, can i??!?!?!?
I wish to see her again. Can i?
(11:00 PM)
